Dog Days
After changing into shorts and a t-shirt, I headed up the hill with bow in hand and figured I would launch a few arrows and try to find solitude in the flight of them. My mind would be focused solely on the task at hand, and I've used the method my entire adult life for therapy. I go to the stick and string and allow them to bring me into another world, one in which I'm the only thing that exists. My mind goes numb, and nothing exists except for the sound of silence. I embrace it, and return daily longing to find it. However, in recent times, I haven't gone to therapy for the sake of escaping my self-made prison. Instead, I've been there for the pure joy of shooting arrows.
Unfortunately, the silence tonight turned into chaos, as the three-ring circus started in my head before I had a chance to redirect it. That's when I set the bow down and began walking... one foot in front of the other, no looking back, and no thoughts except watching my feet guide me wherever they decided to go. I had no destination in mind, but I knew if I focused on nothing other than my feet, my head would be clear. After all, the mind can't do two things at the same time.
Fifteen minutes later, I found myself on a creek bank, staring into the slow-moving water. Looking beyond my shadow on the surface, I spotted a small fish darting out from under the bank to find a hiding place under the big log that had fallen in the pool a few feet downstream.
Without much thought, I rested my back against a hemlock. A few chipmunks scurried across the hill behind me, and some birds chirped in the brush on the other side of the water.
I had sat on this bank many times, almost daily, 45 years ago. My few childhood buddies and I would compete to see who could catch the best trout before it was time for dinner. During summer break, we would scour the banks of the creek and explore every nook and cranny. While there were some great hiding spots for the fish, we occasionally found some luck in the most unexpected places.
Tonight while staring at the water quietly passing by, I began to understand life has been similar to my young days along the creek. I never knew what to expect, but I tried my best go figure it out every day, no matter the circumstances. I learned to make the most out of bad situations, and I learned to capitalize on the good days. I stored all of them so I would know how to navigate life when things were great... and not so great. After all, we are usually served best when we have a plan or two when the going gets tough.
Looking into the water, I could hear my childhood fishing buddy's voice. He was like a brother, and we bickered back and forth, but I knew I could always count on him, and things never changed over the course of his life. I mean, I lost him last month, and it still seems surreal. He made me a better fisherman, and a better person. I believe I learned to be patient, and I also learned how to not overreact to anything. I learned that communication is essential. We did have some times when I thought I knew what he was doing and he thought he knew what I was doing, but in the end, it was all just miscommunication. A few arguments and hurt feelings could've been avoided if we had just had a discussion.
Throughout my life I've learned that miscommunication can lead to places that could have easily been avoided by asking a few questions and actually listening to the answers. We may not like the answers, but the answers will usually tell us everything we need to know, whether we like it or not.
The time passed slowly as the minutes crept toward darkness. With no flashlight in hand, I didn't care if I would have to navigate across the field and through the brush to return to my bow. I would once again let my feet guide me. I was amongst the animals that make their home there. I was one of them, thinking of nothing but my own survival and trying to figure out how to get from one day to the next.
Once my feet started gliding across the leaves and onto the freshly cut grass, I wondered if animals have the capacity to love. When I saw a doe and her fawn frolicking in the field, I raced back in time to an evening my mom and dad had me in the same field. I was still in the single digits, and my mom was learning how to drive a motorcycle. She ended up running over my brother, and I laughed because he had a tire track going from head to toe. I'm still not sure how he didn't end up with any broken bones.
Mom loved all of us and never showed any of us any favoritism, and she still doesn't today. I think I can honestly say we are all her favorite. She has the ability to love each one of us for the special character traits that we don't share with one another. She recognizes what makes each of us special and focuses on that. She has always known what each of us needs, and that is a challenge in and of itself. She can still feel it all these years later. She has asked me repeatedly if I'm OK. I know she senses something is a little off, but she can't put her finger on it. I think it's life. We all have dips and bangs along our paths. But it brings me back to the doe and fawn. Do they know anything like that? We will never know, but it's interesting to ponder.
When I finally made my way back, my mind was at ease, but the devil still sits eagerly on my shoulder whispering into my ear. He lashes out with his tongue and beckons me to join him. He knows I will never go, but he sits there anyway. Soon enough, I'll flick him off his perch and stomp his tiny being into the dirt. However, I like his presence. It reminds me that I can overcome anything.
It saddens me that I've lost my childhood friend and have others whom are close to me who are being called upon right now to join him. None of us is guaranteed a tomorrow, and every passing day I'm reminded of this more and more. That's why it's so important to show and tell people what they mean to you. I've probably failed this more times than not, but I do attempt to let people know. I'm not sure what I will leave behind when my time comes, but I hope I leave a person with a few good memories, a smile or two, and the fact that I may have inspired them to do something differently than they had ever thought possible. I hope I make people want to live better lives, and I hope to encourage them to embrace all the positivity that can be found in different people.
I'm thankful for tonight's walk. I'm thankful for the people in my life. I'm thankful I got to revisit a few old memories and keep them alive. Tomorrow will be another day. What I choose to do tomorrow is totally up to me. It's OK to have chaos within the walls of your mind. It's OK to be scared of tomorrow. It's also OK to take a deep breath and realize that if we are lucky enough, we have people in our corner who will help us when we need them most. Mom helped me deal with Type 1 diabetes. She also helped me become the person I've become. She has helped me at my lowest of lows and she has celebrated for me for the highest of highs. Unlike the doe in the field, my mom has taught me her way of loving too. It makes it so much easier loving her the way she has always loved me and passing that on to my friends, family members and all the people in my world. I can only hope they all understand my journey and their places in it.
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